i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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