Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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