Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
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Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
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Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
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