The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
