is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
