just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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