So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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