Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
