My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My vagina just recognized that song.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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