chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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