Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
