just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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