You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
