I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
