I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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