She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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