I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
