I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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