Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Randomize
