I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I can text with my tongue
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Randomize
