I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
ugly people sure do ruin things
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
