I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
