the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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