Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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