I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
