i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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