Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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