If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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