I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
