idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
