I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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