Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
