The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
