I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
