Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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