I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
