why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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