He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
