i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Boobs speak an international language.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
