I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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