he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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