Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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