I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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