I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
