I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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