If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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