I just threw up on my dentist
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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