Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
