last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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