apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
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Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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