So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
