Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
it glows. i had to have it.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
