my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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