just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
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Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
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Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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