our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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