my phone needs a breathalizer
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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