I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
